Baby Texts

So today I got a wrong number text. I relish these moments. When the text came in and I realized that the person on the other end had the wrong number, I clapped for joy and called my husband.

"GUESS WHAT, HONEY! SOMEONE TEXTED ME BUT THEY GOT THE WRONG NUMBER!"

"Huh?"

"I got a text and the other person had the wrong number. I AM GOING TO HAVE SO MUCH FUN WITH THIS!"

"You are psycho. Seriously, you are so weird. Who gets excited about messing with people who got the wrong number?"

"I know. That's why you love me."

"No, it's not. There are a lot of reasons why I love you, but being a weirdo isn't one of them."

"Thanks."

"You're welcome. I knew you needed a pick-me-up today."

Anyway. This series of texts wasn't as crazy/funny as I hoped, but that is a credit to whoever was on the other end. They actually seemed pretty smart and cool. They took my joking very good naturedly. So much that I didn't want to be mean and drag it out together. So today's texting misadventure is short and sweet:

Brown Thumb

Yesterday I dragged my little boy up to my grandparents' farm in Idaho to help them plant their garden. My parents were there too, along with my younger brother and sister and some cousins. 

But Jess, surely those aren't your siblings or your cousins. You're like 1000 years older than them.

Thanks a lot. I'm already feeling bad about turning 28 this year. RUB IT IN MY FACE, WHY DON'T YOU?

Also, I'm the oldest child of two oldest children. My youngest brother is 15 years younger than me. My aunts and uncles are younger too, so most of my cousins are actually closer to my son's age than they are to mine.

Anyways, we all turned up to help plant Grandma's garden. My 12-year-old brother tilled it and then we all went to work-- My mom, my dad, my grandma, my sister, my brother, and three cousins. And the dog, Ginger. She didn't do much to help, though. She just sat there and watched.

The lazy butt.

I did my part by standing around and taking photos to document the occasion and to revel in the beautiful cloudless Idaho sky.

That's my dad, by the way. He came straight over from feeding his horses and milking his goats to help.
That hat is not for show, by the way. He is a legit cowboy. That is the outfit he wears in 110 degree heat. He believes that flip flops and t-shirts are for wimps, yuppies, and city folk. The only time you will ever find him in shorts is if he's at a swimming pool.

Finally someone took my iphone away, shoved a bucket of sprouted potatoes in my hands, and told me that I wasn't going to get any dinner if I didn't start to pull my weight. That was enough motivation for me, but then I looked down at the potatoes. They were covered in white dust and they smelled strange.

"What is this stuff? All over the potatoes? Is it powdered cancer?" I asked.

My dad sighed and said, "No. It's Seven."

"What's Seven? Will I get cancer from this if I touch it with my bare hands?"

"No, it's just SEVEN. Here, wear these gloves."

"OKAY. Sorry. I don't know what I'm doing. It's been a long time since I planted a garden."

My mom: "Didn't you remember ANYTHING from your childhood? We planted a garden every single year! You were there! We made you help!"

Me: "Yeah but do you think I paid attention? You guys did most of the work. I just did as I was told! You told me where to drop the seeds, and that's what I did! I thought I was being a GOOD child! I didn't know there would be a test later!"

At that point one of my cousins reached out and grabbed one of the powdered potatoes and dropped it in the furrow. I dropped the bucket and screamed, "DON'T TOUCH THAT! IT WILL GIVE YOU CANCER!"

My dad sighed again and said, "Where did we go wrong?"

Later one of my other cousins, a little 8-year-old, came to me, pasty white and terrified, and whispered, "I accidentally got some of that powdery stuff on my hand and then I touched my hair. Am I going to die now?"

My Favorites: Stuff on Netflix

Today, for no particular reason (except that my husband works away from home and I have nothing but the TV to keep me company in the evening after my son goes to bed), I will share with you a list of my favorite movies/TV shows/documentaries on Netflix Instant.

If you are looking for a well-curated, tasteful compilation of the greatest cinema in history, go somewhere else. This is just a list of stuff that I watched and personally enjoyed.
Images from IMDb

Lagaan: My favorite Bollywood movie of all time (deal with it). It pretty much has everything I require in a movie: Comedy, romance, love triangles, good vs. evil, espionage, song and dance... grown men who aren't afraid to cry every 5 seconds... It is awesome (seriously, though. Manly bawling aside, it is awesome). The basic plot: It's set back in the Indian province of Amer at the turn of the century during the time when the British took over India (I'm sure there's a correct historical term for that, but I don't wanna look it up). The guy in charge of Amer, Captain Russell, is basically an arrogant jerk who demands that the citizens of Amer--poor, starving, drought-afflicted farmers--either beat him in a game of cricket or pay him TRIPLE TAX AAAAAGGGGHHHH WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO WE ARE DEAD WE'RE DEAD DEAD DEAD. Obviously that doesn't go over well with the villagers. It's up to the main character, Bhuvan, to pull the villagers together to save everyone's lives, defeat the British, all while navigating racism, love triangles, traitors, a new sport, AND DID I MENTION THERE IS SONG AND DANCE. It's basically the perfect movie. Trust me. Watch it tonight.

Doc Martin: After I watched this show I went through a phase where I tried to convince my husband to let us all move to Cornwall and live there forever in an idyllic cottage on the seaside cliffs of Port Wenn (strangely he wasn't interested, I don't know why, something about Scotland being better). Part medical mystery series and part comedy, Doc Martin is a British TV show about Dr. Martin Ellingham, a brilliant but troubled surgeon who develops an unfortunate condition which requires him to give up his prestigious London position. Not knowing what to do with himself, he takes up a general practice in his childhood home of Port Wenn. Dr. Ellingham is a grump with an atrocious bedside manner who clashes with pretty much everyone in town and is constantly annoyed by the eccentricities of the locals, often to great comic effect. Martin has to work through his dislike of Port Wenn and his daddy issues to get his career back on track and get the girl.

Nacho Libre: About once a month, my family has a Nacho party where we eat nachos and watch this movie. Because it is the best. I love it. Do I really need to explain the plot? Because words can't really do it justice... OK. Desperate for some respect and love, peon Catholic monk Ignacio (Jack Black) enters the secret world of wrestling to help his beloved orphans and impress a beautiful new nun, Sister Encarnacion. This movie has a quote for basically every situation you will encounter in life. I've seen it about 2,400 times and I still laugh my head off.

The Office (Seasons 1-5) This is another one I've seen about a thousand times. I can't help it. It's funny.  It starts to go downhill after season 5, but the first few seasons are just the best.

Parks and Recreation: Sort of in the same vein as The Office except this one is about a very optimistic, sunny government employee named Leslie. It is LIT-RALLY one of the best TV shows ever. If you have never watched it, do yourself a favor and see it, if for no other reason than to meet Ron Swanson and April Ludgate. Also like The Office, the last couple seasons are sadly not as amazing as the first few, but watch it anyway because it's awesome (at least seasons 1-3)

 The Business of Being Born: I'm going to start this with a disclaimer: You should not watch this if you are a man, if you are bothered by nudity, gore, or if you are pregnant. Most men who try to watch this will just be horrified and disgusted. There is quite a bit of nudity associated with mothers giving birth. There is a lot of blood and chunks, again, associated with birthing. If you are pregnant, in my opinion you should not be watching any shows to do with having babies because right now your mind is crazed with hormones and mood swings. Also, I guess if you haven't had kids this might scare you a little. But other than that, all you non-pregnant moms are allowed to watch it.

My BFF April told me about this one. It is a very interesting documentary about women who choose to ditch the traditional hospital and have their babies with midwives. It compares the at-home birthing experience to one in the hospital. The stats will scare you and might convince you, like it did me, that having your next kid at home with a midwife might be the best option.

True Grit: Growing up, pretty much the only movies we ever watched were Disney, 60's-era musicals, and John Wayne. I remember watching True Grit and the Rooster Cogburn movies as a kid. The old True Grit was good, but I think I might like this version better (although my dad contends it still can never measure up to the greatness of John Wayne). Watch it. Especially to see the tween girl who plays Mattie. Seriously, that kid has more talent than a lot of actresses twice her age.

 Roman Holiday: Audrey Hepburn. Gregory Peck. Italy. Classic. Beautiful. Amazing. Watch.

Fanaa: Another awesome Bollywood. I admit, it's a little melodramatic, but that's never stopped me from enjoying a good movie. This one throws you sort of a plot curveball in the middle, so I won't ruin it by telling too much. Just this: Zooni is a blind girl who lives a sheltered life out in the country. She takes a trip to the big city with her girlfriends, then meets and falls in love with Rehan, her tour guide WHO IS HIDING A DARK SECRET. Just see it and I PROMISE you will get over her unibrow.

 Jodhaa Akbar: Bollywood again. To be honest, I still haven't totally figured out the plot of this one. The brother's cousin's nephew of the Mughal Emperor is planning to overthrow him. Or something. Then because of a bunch of political stuff, Jodhaa is forced into an arranged marriage with the Emperor and then she has to prove her loyalty to him and then a bunch of betrayals and battles and blah blah blah. Anyways, WHO CARES because PRETTYYY. It's a beautiful film, visually. Jodhaa is so stinking gorgeous that it makes me want to kill myself. There are no gray areas in this movie, but since when is that a bad thing? Also, it's a pretty clean movie. There are a few gross parts (there will be a couple of sickening splats), but no explicit love scenes or anything like that.

 Downton Abbey: I just have one thing to say about this: If you've seen it, you know how awesome it is and you're probably planning to see it again. If you haven't seen it, crawl out of that rock you've been living under.

 Call the Midwife: I didn't watch this right away when it popped up on Netflix, thinking it would be stuffy and boring. It was not what I expected at all. It is about midwives but more than that, it's a fascinating show about life in post-WWII London. It's based on the real-life experiences of Jennifer Worth. In fact, after you watch this show, you should go read the book. Especially if you are at all into history. Heck, it is interesting even if you're not a history buff.

Children Underground: I'll be honest, this movie is a huge downer. It's a documentary about orphans and runaways who take up residence in Romania's metro system and develop their own Lord of the Flies-like social hierarchy. Sad. If it does not make you bawl, make you angry, and make you want to catch the next flight to Romania to rescue them, then you have no heart. You'll root for these kids to get the help that they so desperately need, you'll feel the frustration of the people who are actually trying to rescue them but are thwarted by a variety of obstacles, and you'll be furious at the adults who SHOULD be helping them but won't (I'm looking at you, priest).

Queen of Versailles: My uncle suggested this one. It is also a documentary. This world, though, could not be more different than the one in Children Underground. This documentary takes a look at the lives of a very wealthy couple who made a huge fortune but find themselves now in huge financial trouble because of the 2008 housing collapse. He's the quintessential rich old man and she's kind of a gold digger. I sat there in disbelief at how they just could not manage to pare down their lifestyle, and I had a hard time feeling sympathy for either of them, since in a lot of ways they were in a mess of their own making. Ultimately, though, I did start to feel sorta bad for them and rooted for them to get their crap together (which, due to some Googling, I later find out they did. For now.). Very interesting. Lots of food for thought. Also, they live in this huge house with TONS OF DOG POOPS ALL OVER THE FLOOR EWWWWW. 

The Legend of Johnny Lingo: Here's a goody from the golden age of LDS filmmaking. I like to watch this on quiet Sunday evenings with my little boy, in hopes that the message will sink in someday for him to be nice to the ugly girls and that it doesn't pay to be a bully, because you never know when your long lost BFF will suddenly show up years later as the wealthy king of his own island and business empire. It's a cute family show. It's not particularly deep or anything, but it does have a good moral to it and you wouldn't be horrified to watch it with your kids. Also it doesn't really have any inaccessible LDS references that would turn off non-LDS viewers. It's just an all around sweet film.

MAHANA YOU UGLY!