Today I took a trip by myself to Logan for some holiday shopping. My diligent husband stayed home with my 2-year-old while I went out and spent our entire fortune on gifts.
It is a 30-minute drive to Logan from where I live. I am not a big fan of driving. It is a frightening experience for me. Usually I spend half my time avoiding cops, looking for a red car in the parking lot (which I did today for 15 minutes before I remembered that my car is blue) or sit in my car wondering what I did with my keys before I realize that I've already put them in the ignition.
Aside from my own stupidity, there are 3 main reasons that I dont like to drive:
1. I get very anxious scanning the road for cop cars who are lying in wait to pull me over. Several of my nervous breakdowns have been triggered by the sight of a patrol car.
2. I know without a doubt that every jerk or shudder or strange noise means that my car's engine is about to blow up and scatter all over the road.
3. Utah drivers scare me. So do Idaho drivers. For different reasons; but I'll get to that a little later.
Before you think that I am being unreasonable on the first two counts, you should know that both numbers one and two have actually happened to me before. Getting pulled over and ticketed by a sneaky cop is a story for another day. So is the time when my husband and I were driving down the road and our engine exploded and metal chunks went flying all over the road and I walked along, sobbing and gathering up the bits of engine in my shirt, hoping that maybe I could just glue it all back together and everything would be fine.
To explain the number three a little more, you should know that Logan typically has 2 types of drivers, which are storied rivals: The U-tards and the 1F-ers. Both of them think that the other is the worst driver in the entire world. I think they are both the worst for different reasons.
Most of the Idaho drivers are from Franklin County, which you can tell because the Great State of Idaho codes all their license plates by county. So you can look at an Idaho car and know what county it is from. Franklin county's code is 1F. The Franklin county drivers are affectionately called "1F-er's" by some (me).
My brothers always call Utah drivers "U-tards" which is not quite as an affectionate a name as "1F-er." I'm not sure where they got that name. I suspect they might have made it up by themselves. So there we have it. Logan roads are driven by "U-tards" and "1F-ers."
You might wonder why make such a big deal out of this, but let me tell you, there is a HUGE difference between a 1F-er and a U-tard. Their driving styles are totally opposite but equally dangerous. To illustrate:
A U-tard will typically do one or more of the following things while driving:
1. Cut you off
2. Pull out in front of you so close that you have to slam on your breaks to avoid an accident
3. Tailgate you no matter how fast you are going
4. Drive fast in the slow lane
5. Go at least 10 mph over the speed limit
6. Run a red light
7. Refuse to use their low-beam headlights.
8. Not know how to drive in the snow.
In contrast, you can usually tell a 1F-er the following ways:
1. They never under any circumstances use their turn signal.
2. They sit at an intersection for about 30 minutes, waiting for the road to be clear of oncoming traffic before they even think about turning.
3. They stop their cars in the middle of the road, blocking both lanes, to have a conversation. If you drive up behind them, you have to wait for them to finish chatting before you can be on your way.
4. They drive slow in the fast lane.
5. 1F-er's will always drive at least 10 mph below the speed limit.
6. 1F-er's will sit at a stoplight for 10 minutes before they realize it's switched from red to green.
7. Their cars are usually held together with duct tape, bailing twine, fencing wire, or a combination of the three.
8. They refuse to drive any vehicle in the snow unless it is a tractor.
Being an Idaho girl and a Utah resident, I'm still on the fence about which type of driver I would like to be. I believe I possess some of the characteristics of both. And some of my own special driving habits that are unique to me. I also worry about which type is most likely to kill me on the road. Then I look down at the sandwich I'm eating and wonder if I will get into a wreck with a 1F-er or a U-tard before I've finished it. I worry that I might look stupid in front of the paramedics who come to the scene of the accident if I have food all over myself. Also I am afraid that such a delicious sandwich might go to waste and wonder if the paramedics would just gather the bacon off the road and save it for me to snack on from my hospital bed.
Maybe I'm not a 1F-er or a U-tard, but a special breed of driver all my own.
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